From Pauline

Dear You,

When I started to read the letters I felt cross and maybe this is where you are.

I don’t want to hear how people have recovered and then I read James’ book and he said that recovery doesn’t mean recovered.

I used to get angry about people saying I used to be depressed, I don’t say that.

I suffer from depression, and have done since I was a teenager. My first trip to doctor when I was 21 sitting crying in the consulting room. At that stage I was told I was in an anxiety state and given medication. I am now 66 and have never recovered. I have journeyed with depression all my life.

But it hasn’t been a bad life, just like someone who has migraines and manages as best they can to curb the effects and be vigilant about triggers. I realise I have a point of no return and try to keep myself as well as I can.

So what works for me:

I keep my fluids up, I have a filter jug in fridge and I know how much I am drinking. I do my best when I am having a decent day to shop and purchase food that I can prepare in advance. I buy frozen meals for the days I can’t bear to cook and tins of fish.

I always feel better if I know I have had a protein and a potato. So I buy frozen baked potatoes. My frame of mind is too important to worry that its a bit frivolous not preparing my own potato. It’s a small luxury.

I read in other letters about exercise and it’s true. But it’s an area I neglect. When I can’t stand getting out of bed I convince myself to get up for ten minutes and have a cuppa, or if dishes are pilled high I count. One item washed and all of a sudden I have washed several and it spurs me along.

Thankfully I am not at this low level everyday. But most days I have to manage my mood as best I can. And something happens as I count items and have made a small effort, I start to feel better. I have tidied the kitchen and am pleased with myself.

I make my bed every day that I get up and what a joy climbing into a tidy bed.

I have got to know myself better over the years and have stopped yearning to be different. This is me, no matter how much I would have wanted to be different and I like being me. I am my own boss and I can give myself a day off if that’s what I need. I should say I don’t work so a day off is doing little. I have started using a voice recorder on my phone and talk into it when I have something on my mind. This helps as it gets thoughts out of my head.

And I find joy in my life as a recovering depressed person who doesn’t always make an effort. And so can you. We are all unique. There will be poor devastating days , but there are also good days mixed in.

I wanted to write this letter from a realistic place, not everyone wants to hear I have been there. I am there and have survived.

Grasp little steps and remember the reward of breaking the cycle of depression if only for ten minutes.

Treat yourself, love yourself and live life as often as you can, if only for a short while.

I do promise that the little steps grow into bigger ones. Grasp recovery a day at a time or a minute at a time if that’s all you can do. It will be worth it.

Pauline xx