From Mary
Dear You,
If you are reading this, perhaps like me, you feel like quicksand is taking you down into its deep dark vortex…where the voices in your head that tell you that you are hopeless, that no light is at the end of the tunnel. That life would be easier if the pain could just be turned off, nipped in the bud - that it would be just so much easier to reach for whatever the solution is to end it all. Before I go into depth so that you know I truly have felt it as deeply as you do, please just let me stop you in your tracks to quickly say that it will and can improve, and the sun will come out - I PROMISE. Hand on heart. Rest assured that if you are able to go that deep into feelings, it is because you are a blessed person who is sensitive, compassionate. The ability to feel so deeply is a gift, and just needs to be turned around and made positive and it can be. Those of us with that gift - we are probably more attuned to creativity, art, music, etc…we are able to experiences the subtlest nuances of the human condition that make it a way more interesting experience on this earth. That depth of feeling is nothing to be ashamed of, but something we can accept and feel grateful for.
I have been in that infinitely dark place, on and off, for ten years following the death of someone who was a substitute mother - an event which triggered a cycle of depression so debilitating that I felt I was permanently choking. I spent nights, days trying to hold myself together - like people I was with were looking at a spin dryer that wasn’t vibrating and was dark inside that round window, but I was inside it and all I could feel was spinning out of control, like the tuning knob on a radio was being flicked at rapid pace through endless stations that all had the same message - that I was worthless and life was not worth living. I feared being in any social situation - how would I be able to put the mask on and hold it together, how would I even get through the pressure of getting out of bed and making as tough a decision as whether to make a coffee or a tea - everything was beyond overwhelming.
Nothing gave me hope or encouragement, and the worst part of it all is that all the theory that we know should make sense in our rational mind (life will get better, this is just the illness talking, you need to pull yourself together) is just drowned out by the volume of the dark voices. I saw four different therapists over the last decades weekly, I took medication, read books, watched films - everything I could get my hands on to make sense of it - but nothing ever worked and I would regularly write my own suicide note in my mind. But, there IS HOPE. And it CAN STOP - AND WILL, so please, please,just remember you can get better.
if I was on the other side and read this same letter back in the darker days, I would have thought - well, it’s all well and good for you, but I don’t see how I can ever get to that place, my pain is too debilitating and I cannot go on, I just can’t. But you CAN. I really believe so much is just deeply trapped pain that needs to be released, and felt. Initially its a hard process as one cannot use the rational mind to suppress it and having to sit with it is really really uncomfortable. But thats just the point where the band aid is off and the wound is exposed to the air. But with the air, the wound heals quicker and gets on the road to recovery.
Get help, join a group, read ‘The Mindful Way Through Depression’, watch The Shift by Wayne Dyer on YouTube…. I could go on. But just look forward - the sun always comes out, and what we learn through this process of such untold pain is compassion for others and self awareness - and that makes us grow as humans and become evolved.
I wish you luck, I send love and blessings, and above all, I send hope in a big, infinite virtual hug.
Mary