From Karen

Dear You,

I really do not remember when it first hit me. I believe it was like a dark, thick blanket that slowly started to enshroud me. 

I totally understand the weight of just living. The simple menial tasks, which just seem back breaking. Sometimes, just thinking of what to do is exhausting. My brain as with yours, was and is a ball of tangled yarn. Too complex to unravel, my every existence was a desperate fight to survive the illness that had imprisoned me. It kept me away from my loved ones and from my  dreams.

As much as my friends and family loved me, my imprisonment frustrated them. Soon, their impatience and frustration made me feel worse. 

I was so full of guilt and negative voices, spoken within my secret place. "You are  a terrible wife, mother, sexual partner, friend, business partner, and daughter" it said.
Places, events, plans and even daily regimes had I refused to participate in because of the shame, guilt, pain in my heart, psyche and soul... 

Dear love, I believed it would never end.

I remember breaking down in front of my doctor, because of the stress at work. Making a large payroll every fortnight. Accounts payables calls. Chasing accounts receivables. The burden of our employees, their families, and my own family if I couldn't pay the bills or payroll. 

Suicide was constantly on my mind, I would fight it and it would just pop up again. My own horror story villain, the one you shoot, stab, decapitate and it bounces back up, fresh and undeterred. I was in a desperate place but thank God, I started to gain some ground back; small steps. I was referred to a specialist who sorted out the nerve pain I was experiencing with sleep therapy.  My psychotherapist, psychologist and medication were also the keys to my freedom.. 

I have begun to feel the like the twenty year old me. Full of life, energy, and the constant sadness is gone. I try to keep it in perspective because I know the fog can creep back in.

However, it is wonderful! I am enjoying every moment. I am proud again of me, I value me and I want to fight for me.

I know that life is like the waves of the sea, placid, choppy, robust and rough.  If I can break free for a little into a placid serene period, you can too.

There is nothing special about me. I am a average person with clinical depression. Don't listen to the voice from the secret place, it's all a lie. It's a lie to cheat you of your destiny and life path..

Fight for you, you are worth it... You'll see..

Karen V