This is not how it has to be, this is not how it will always be, you can and will get better. I know, I am surviving it.
I know how it feels to think all is hopeless, to think there is nothing valuable or worthy about myself, that all the people close to me who assure me there is good in me don't really know me and would recoil if they could really see me for what I am. I know how it is to be tired of the exhausting, draining, lack of any enjoyment, the drab colourless existence. At times I wished I had the energy or the courage to end it all. At times, what stopped me was the stigma my family would have to live with after a suicide. I did not even believe it would actually matter if I died. I did not believe I was important enough or worth it. I was not worried about causing them great pain, as I did not even believe there would be any.
Those feelings and thoughts are not really you, they are the illness. And you are not weak, it is not your fault, it is an illness that does not respect age, sex, background, status, or anything else. And there is treatment for it. Please, talk to your doctor if he is not sympathetic, talk to someone: a friend, a relative, a Samaritan, anyone. There is help, and you will get better.
There is colour in life, it does get better. I sought help three years ago, and am on the way to recovery. It is worth getting out of bed in the morning. I am starting to live again, not just survive, and not just exist. Life is still hard, but it is worth the struggle again for me, and it will be for you. You are unique, and you are worthwhile. This world is made up of billions of fallible, beautiful human beings like you and me. Hang in there, it IS worth it. Please, hang in there.
With all the love and hope I can give you,