I can empathise with how you feel. It's properly shit isn’t it?
I felt like that too a while ago and thought there was no escape which was a very scary and frightening experience however, I got better and in time you will get better. There is much I could write to you but I really don’t want to come across as insincere or pretend to have the answers so will keep it short.
What I learnt on the path that took me from depression, anxiety and grief to being myself again was humbling. A person I met who is now my good friend, also suffering at the time, said to me ‘trust the journey’. It made me cry and weep with frustration but upon reflection I resolved to use it as a talisman in all I did, leaving the house, speaking to people, getting in the car, going back to work, going for a run, drawing a picture, walking the dog and just being quiet in a room on my own. I learnt to trust myself again and you will also.
The endless ways to describe the highs and lows of how we feel I can’t summarise and others will do a better job at it however I hope by reading these words that it helps you to know there are many people who understand what you are going through and how you will come out the other side stronger in ways at present it is hard to imagine.